A Real Story

After my divorce I redownloaded every app my single friends swore by and made a spreadsheet, because I’m that person. Columns for app name, number of matches per week, number of matches who actually replied after ‘hey,’ and number of first dates that happened versus fizzled into ghosted texts. Hinge, Bumble, Match, and Coffee Meets Bagel, ninety days, no cheating on the tracking even when it was depressing.

Hinge won on raw numbers, nineteen first dates in three months, but twelve of those men had the exact same three prompts answered with the exact same jokes about tacos and being ‘down for adventure.’ Bumble gave me fewer matches but the highest reply rate, something like 70 percent actually wrote back more than once, maybe because making women message first filters out guys who can’t be bothered. Match felt like a part-time job with a monthly fee attached, and Coffee Meets Bagel sent me the same retired dentist three separate times like it was testing my patience.

The app that actually worked wasn’t the one with the most matches, it was Bumble, and only because I’m someone who overthinks the first message and needed the format that forced me to just send something instead of scrolling forever deciding. My sister ran the same experiment and Hinge won for her because she wanted volume and didn’t mind the taco jokes. So now when people ask me which app is best I tell them the honest, unsatisfying answer: track your own three months, because the app that fits your dating personality beats whatever app has the best billboard ad.

I met my now-boyfriend on Bumble in month two of that spreadsheet, deleted the other three apps the week we made things official, and still have the spreadsheet saved because apparently I’m sentimental about my own research methods.